My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
