If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
