I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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