I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You ate ashes out of my bong
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
