My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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