after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
