...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
