I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
