i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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