I think my fart just growled at me.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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