I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
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i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
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she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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