so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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