How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
