Have you finally orgasmed yet?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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