I'm eating all of the evidence.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
