Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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