we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
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The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
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I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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