It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You know, be my cock's hype man.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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