When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I supernannyed him into submission
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
