I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
