Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
