Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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