Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
FUCK WHALES
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