Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
