He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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