Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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