I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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