finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
