3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
we're so committed to being not committed
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
