someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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