hotel room ftw
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
