It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
