happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
