the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
