I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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