haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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