Soap is not a condiment
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
