I will die if light touches me.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
