OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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