Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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