Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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