there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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