I skipped work to stalk him.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
