I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
