If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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