watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
