He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
