im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
