I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
