Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Someone came in the potted fern
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
