i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
