Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
