Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
