Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
