I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
